Dear Lipreading Mom,

My daughter is dating a guy that has some type of social anxiety disorder. I
can’t hear him when he talks. Most hearing people have to strain to hear him. I do not know what to do with this guy. I am about to tell him, “Look, why don’t
we take sign language because I can’t hear you. If we both learn to sign then I
will be able to at least understand you.” I am just about to check out whenever
he comes in the room because it is fruitless. What would you do in my
situation?

Signed,
Communicator Seeking Clarity


Dear Communicator,

I encourage you to try to GATS Method with your daughter's boyfriend.

G - Gently get his attention.

A - Ask him politely to move to a quiet location to speak with you.

T - Take time to explain to him that he is free to use whatever it takes to communicate with you (voice, pen and paper, typing on a cell phone or keyboard).

S - Suggest that your daughter be a 'Hearing Helper' for you---a communication helper when listening situations are most difficult.

Use the GATS Method over and over until all of you are comfortable with it. And please keep me posted.

Sincerely,
Lipreading Mom

 ~*~*~*~

Do You Have Advice for ‘Communicator’?
Post it below.

Do You Have a Question for Lipreading Mom?
Contact me.

Dear Lipreading Mom,

I've recently lost my job due to company closure. As a new hearing aid wearer, I'm still "learning" how to hear again, and am nervous about how to address the issue of my hearing loss in an interview setting with a prospective employer.  My hearing aids are nearly imperceptible to the average person unless I point them out, and have little problem hearing in a quiet, one-on-one setting while wearing the aids, but do still face challenges in a noisy environment and/or with particularly low voices or "mumblers" that I can't lip read (or, worst of all things---"evil" to me---a deep-voiced guy with a bushy moustache... then FORGET IT!) Is it something I should even mention in a  job interview?  I'm highly skilled, with tons of experience, and have learned many tricks over the years to deal with situations where I can't hear, but I still run into predicaments where my hearing loss presents issues in a hearing world.

Sincerely,
Lipreading Job Seeker

Dear Job Seeker,

I commend you for taking the initiative to address your hearing loss in your employment search. One thing I didn't do with the first job I had prior to my hearing loss diagnosis was reveal to my supervisor that I had a loss. This made for some interesting moments in the office. For instance: With conference calls. Or group meetings. Or conversations in the car on the way to lunch meetings. Because my supervisor didn't know I had a hearing loss, she likely thought I wasn't paying attention or, worse, ignoring her during these scenarios. Not a good first impression, I admit.

So my advice would be to embrace your hearing loss---all the time. When seeking a job, make it known during the interview that you have a hearing loss, and explain that you wear hearing aids and read lips very well. If the person interviewing you wants to know more, be candid but brief. After all, you want to focus on your job skills, not just your hearing loss. You see, those of us with hearing loss and deafness can do everything other job seekers can do---except hear 100 percent. Focus on your employment strengths, reveal your hearing loss candidly and briefly, and then move forward in your job search.

Best wishes in your employment journey!

Sincerely,
Lipreading Mom

~*~*~*~
Do you have a suggestion for Job Seeker? 
Comment below.

Do you have a question for Ask Lipreading Mom?
Contact me.

Dear Lipreading Mom,

I just don't know what to do. Everyone talks around me all the time as if I don't exist, like I am not there. I can hear them a little, but I guess since I have a hearing problem, I am "dumb," too. I just needed to vent, and you're the only one I can trust and can understand me.

Sincerely,
Feeling Left Out






Dear Left Out,

I'm so sorry this is happening. Have you shared with your loved ones what you shared with me? What do they say? The reason I ask is one or two of them will likely need to be your "hearing helper" in situations where others are talking around you. Ask this helper to pull you aside and explain anything you might have missed. Keep paper and a pen handy if he or she needs to write it down. Refuse to be left out of conversations by always having a hearing helper, such as a parent, spouse, close friend, or older child. I have to do this with my husband and my older kids in group conversations.

Remember: You are smart. You just have hearing loss. And you are not alone.

Sincerely,
Lipreading Mom

~*~*~*~
Do you have a suggestion for Left Out?
Comment below.

Do you have a question for Ask Lipreading Mom?
Contact me.

For fun, I thought I would share some of the myths I have learned over the years about hearing loss and deafness.

Myth #1: Hearing aids and cochlear implants cure deafness. Truth: Hearing aids and cochlear implants help improve hearing, but they don’t restore lost hearing.

Myth #2: People who are deaf or hard of hearing can’t enjoy music, phone conversations or live entertainment. Truth: Because of captioning, assistive listening devices, and sign language interpreters, a person doesn’t have to hear perfectly to enjoy sound. Plus, many of us can still feel the sound vibrations of music and live entertainment, which enhances our enjoyment of it.

Myth #3: In order to communicate with someone who can’t hear well or at all, sign language is a must. Truth: Sign language can help with communication. However, many hard of hearing people may not know how to sign or been given the opportunity to practice using it. 

Myth #4: It’s hard to communicate with the hard of hearing, so why try? Truth: Instead, tell them to use the GATS Code…
  G  - Gently get my attention before you begin talking. 
  A  - Always face me while you speak so I can read your lips. 
  T  - Talk to me in a quiet room where it is easier for me to hear. 
  S  - Speak slowly and with good enunciation.  
 
Myth #5: You’re not really deaf or hard of hearing. You’re just tuning me out. Truth: Anyone who accuses me of not having hearing loss should try this experiment. Place two cotton balls in each ear, go into a noisy room, and try to listen to a conversation with a person standing 20 feet away and with his face turned away. Difficult, huh? Welcome to my world!  

Share Your Favorite Myths Below

Do You Have a Question for Ask Lipreading Mom?
Contact me!
 

Dear Lipreading Mom,

I've been dealing with being hard of hearing all my life. I read lips and know a little about American Sign Language. Anyway, I often wonder how many hard of hearing people who were never born deaf deal with being hard of hearing---living between the hearing and the deaf worlds. I found myself feeling very lonely and have been fighting the depression as of lately. Am I the only one who goes through this? I also notice that people would take my hearing loss to their advantage by saying it is a problem when it actually isn't. Please advise so that I may deal with my hearing loss in positive and constructive ways.

Sincerely,
Feeling Lost Between Two Worlds

Dear Lost,

Like you, I often feel lost between the two worlds of those of hear and those who are part of the Deaf culture. Hearing loss is a unique world all its own---one that has its own set of characteristics. Before answering your question, let me identify what I have learned about my own hearing loss.

Definining the Hearing Loss 'Culture'
Most of us are aware that a Deaf culture exists. Simply visit a state school for the deaf, and observe students and teachers communicating mostly through American Sign Language (ASL). Or sit in on a coffee house "chat" with a local Deaf social group, and notice how quiet the room is while attendees use sign. The Deaf culture is something its participants are proud of, a
culture with a sharedASL language and communication style that goes back many years. 
 
Now observe a local meeting of a hearing loss support group. The keynote speaker communicates with both sign language and orally. A man sitting in the back relies on an ASL translator to understand the speaker. A row of people read real-time captions from an overhead screen as a person types what the speaker is saying. Two women sitting up front watch the speaker's lips attentively to catch each word spoken. All of these people, except the sign interpreter and typist, are hard of hearing. Yet they all have different ways of communicating and understanding one another. 

How can a hard of hearing (HOH) culture be defined?

• A shared communication style. They prefer to speak orally, instead of only using sign language. Lipreading (also known as speechreading) is also a common way to understand one another.


• A strong reliance on technology. Hearing aids and assistive listening devices are available to help the HOH population understand speech and hear important sounds.


• A strong reliance on closed captioning. Captions assist with understanding television, movies, and (when available) live presentations. This could also fall under the technology category.


• Emotional connection. This would include not always feeling connected with the hearing world because of difficulty understanding speech. For those not comfortable with sign language, they may not feel part of the Deaf culture. Emotionally, individuals with hearing loss might feel somewhat isolated from the hearing and/or Deaf
  "worlds."
• Dealing with the Depression Aspect - You have my sympathies and understanding with your situation. Depression is common among people with adult-onset hearing loss. Although my hearing loss was diagnosed 12 years ago, the big "D" has been another health issue I've  experienced. While there may not be a local hearing loss support group where you live, I encourage you to visit an online hearing loss support group. One I've  visited is www.DeafandHoh.com.com. Senthil Srinivasan leads the group. Also, visit the Hearing Loss Association of America National Web site (www.hearingloss.org) for tips on coping with hearing loss and depression. Some things that may be helpful in coping with hearing loss-related depression: 

 
1) Talk to your family doctor and/or audiologist about your depression. You may be referred to a counselor who specializes in coping with hearing loss depression and grief. I found that for many years, I grieved the hearing that I used to have. The counselor pointed me to a grief support group and discussed medical options should I choose them.
 
2)  Write down your thoughts about hearing loss. I've kept journals for years, and this writing allowed me to express my
worries, fears and sadness in a tangible way. It was must better for me to write about these feelings than to suppress them.
 
3) Pursue the hobbies/interests you enjoy that don't necessarily require "perfect" hearing. Although phone conversations are difficult for me, I enjoy meeting friends one-on-one for coffee. I also enjoy regular exercise and have found that it curbs some of the depression. Other ideas: Reading, crossword puzzles, bike riding, woodworking.

4)  Realize that you are not alone with hearing loss. The more you accept the loss, the more likely you will be open to others about it. And the move I've shared about my hearing loss with others, the more people have opened up to me about their hearing concerns. 
 
With  time, you may discover how your hearing loss can be a way to encourage and connect with others in a similar circumstance. Your experiences and wisdom are and will be important. 

Please keep me posted.

Sincerely,
Lipreading Mom


~*~*~*~


Do you have a suggestion for Lost?
Please comment below.

Do you have a question for Ask Lipreading Mom? 

Contact me.

Dear Lipreading Mom,

I would like to ask if you could send me an examples on how to educate my family on communicating with me. I am tired of repeating to them that they need to rephrase their conversations to me, or them saying, "Never mind, it wasn't important." I have tried to explain to them what I need; their respond is "Quit feeling self-pity." I do not do that, and I don't think they have any idea what moderate/severe hearing loss is like. It is an ongoing problem with my family that has created an argument where now that I can't mention the words "hearing loss" or "deaf."  Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. 

Sincerely,
Feeling Misunderstood

Dear Misunderstood,

All of us---whether hearing or not---want and need to feel included in communications with our loved ones. The fact that your family disregards your hearing loss greatly concerns me. Have your relatives seen your audiogram (hearing test results) that indicate the level of your hearing loss? That was a huge eye-opener for my loved ones when I showed it to them. Those who thought my hearing was "normal" were shocked to learn that I am deaf to many sounds; the audiogram was medical proof.

Something I wrote a few years ago may be worth sharing with your family. In "An Open Letter to My Hearing Friends," I describe what a typical day is like for me with hearing loss. You might want to adapt this letter to explain your hearing loss, then share it with your family. 

The most important thing I've learned with hearing loss is to make my family feel included in it. Do you have access to local meetings of such support groups as the Hearing Loss Association of America (HLAA) or Association of Late-Deafened Adults (ALDA)? HLAA has a wonderful magazine that I read and share with my loved ones. It might be worth looking into.

Know that you are not alone. There are millions of us worldwide who have hearing loss, so we need to stick together. Look for online hearing loss support groups, such as the Say What Club and DeafandHOH.com. Each month, Deaf Insight hosts a DeafChat that you may want to attend.

Please keep me posted.

Sincerely,
Lipreading Mom

~*~*~*~

Do you have a suggestion for Misunderstood? 
Share your comments below.

Do you have a question for Ask Lipreading Mom?
Send it here.

 

 


 

Just for fun, I asked some of our bloggers at Deaf Insight to ask me their questions. I told them to make their questions purposely silly, but some are more serious. Here they are, in random order...

Deaf Insight Founder Monica Hood Asks Lipreading Mom...1. How do you effectively communicate with your children?

2. If your kids are ever being too loud do you ever take out your hearing aids so you can relax your ears?

Good questions, Monica! In response to your first question, I don't know if I communicate effectively with my kids. Let me ask my 8-year-old daughter's opinion. "Yes, because we can sign and lip read with her." My 12-year-old son's reply: "Yes. I don't know." My 5-year-old son was unavailable for comment at press time. :)

For the second question, I definitely would say yes. Usually, I go hearing aid-free on Saturday mornings when the kids watch Spongebob and squeal at the top of their lungs. But most of the time, I wear my hearing aids.

Deaf Insight Blogger Jeffrey Swartz Asks Lipreading Mom... 
1.  What sounds do you find annoying with your hearing aids? 

2. Do you feel a deeper connection with your friends and family being deaf? 

3.  What is the next big step for Lipreading Mom now that you have completed a non-fiction book?

Jeffrey, I will tell you that, in answer to your first question, the sound of screaming through my hearing aids makes me cringe. As a mom of three little ones, I hear screaming all the time. Once, I had a faulty hearing aid that would automatically shut off every time my 5-year-old son screamed. To get him to stop the squealing, I told him that he needed to stop breaking my hearing aids! Of course, that piqued his interest, and his yelling turned into 50 questions of, "Mom, what happened to hearing aid? What wrong with it?"

As for question two, I do feel more connected to my lifelong friends. They accept me as I am, hearing loss or not. When I couldn't talk to them by phone, some friends took up text-messaging just so they could "talk" to me. As for family, my mom and dad have been wonderful. Mom still prefers talking by phone, and she is ever so patient with repeating herself three and four times. My husband and kids have learned patience as well. If my husband starts chatting with his back turned, he quickly realizes that I can't hear him when I don't respond back. It's a learning process, but he's stuck with me for almost 18 years and through the last 12 of my hearing loss...so it's all good.

Question three... Hmm, I need to think about that one. After writing my new book, Confessions of a Lip Reading Mom, I want to spend the next few months promoting it. Hopefully, by attending book signings and speaking events, I'll be able to sell a few copies. I want to continue promoting two causes on my LipreadingMom.com blog---Show Me Your Ears and Stop Hearing Loss Bullying. And I want to learn more about the skill of lipreading (speechreading) so that I can teach others.

Dear Lipreading Mom,

I am messaging you right now with a very heavy heart. We just found out today that my three-month-old nephew is deaf. The really odd thing is he was here at my house yesterday, and I am the one who discovered something was wrong. I knew something was wrong because of the "sound" he made. Also, the way he held his head. I tried snapping by his ears, and he didn't respond. So I took him out to our work shop and had my husband start his motorcycle. My nephew never responded. His mom called this morning to his pediatrician's office, and they brought him straight in and started testing.  They are setting him up with someone who is going to start teaching him sign language right away. Now we need to learn. Any suggestions on computer or online programs?  Any other direction you could give  would be so appreciated.

Sincerely,
An Awesome Aunt


Dear Awesome Aunt,

Deafness can be and is a beautiful thing. So please keep a couple of things in mind moving forward:

 - You'll want to join consider joining a group called Hands & Voices (www.handsandvoices.org). It is a parent and educator advocacy group for children who are deaf or hard of hearing. There is a Hands & Voices chapter in your state.

 - In addition to online sign programs, I encourage you to purchase DVDs to learn sign language. My favorite for children and families is www.SigningTime.com. Another one that you can access via computer: Marlee Signs (actress Marlee Matlin teaches sign (http://MarleeSignsapp.com), and many more are listed here: http://www.healthyhearing.com/content/articles/Technology/Wireless/47829-The-best-apps-for-learning-sign-language.
 
- If your family decides to develop your nephew's speech skills in his first years, you'll want to consider getting referrals to a speech pathologist to work with him as early as possible.

If my readers come up with other resources, I'll message them to you. God has a wonderful plan for your nephew...He truly does!

Sincerely,
Lipreading Mom
~*~*~*~*~

Do you have a suggestion for Awesome Aunt? Please comment below.

Send your questions for Ask Lipreading Mom here.